Reality bites

Was just clearing some of my old forwarded emails and deleting those meaningless ones. Found an article which I would like share at this point in time, in this
frame of mind. I'm a sucker for any form of encouraging, inspiring words at this time la. haha. -_-;

Read this article countless times and am amazed at how true it was, speaks for everyone I'm sure, at different phases of our lives, in one way or another.

Doesn't only apply to relationships... like meeting the right job at the right time.. ? Always wondered if I would have liked teaching without the experiences in my other corporate jobs. If I had gone into teaching right after I graduated, I might be right now paying the idemnities for bond-breaking and featured on ExtraOrdinary People for taking up numerous jobs so as to pay back my hefty debt. lol.

I would not have met the bunch of wonderful colleagues in OC and never have gotten closer to my colleagues at Shin-Taiyo. I would never have known that backend processing job is not my cup of tea and I would never have been so sure that I wanted to teach.

Of course I do lament at the fact that I could have decided to teach earlier as I could have gotten the $6K bonus for successful undergrad applicants. But yet, I do not regret as what I've gotten is far more than what $6K can give me. eh..mushy but true.

Maybe it's all fated too coz I met naz during my time in OC. hmm..so it turns out this way after 1 year, I expected but didn't know how much it'll hit me. but never regretted upon remembering the good times we had..

Regretting less will make one happier.

Maybe it's destined for me to go through this heartbreak to make me a stronger person, to enable me to know myself better... maybe god thinks my life is too blessed and slack and I need some setbacks to wake me up and make me learn and see the world differently from the frog-in-the-well way I always perceive things. haha. black humor. eeks. BUT please, i've gotten my fair share of heartbreaks... no more from now on!! please... onegaishimasu. m(-_-)m

okay..talk too much. Here's the article:
http://www.geocities.com/bluewindsc/WhenMrRightComesAtTheWrongTime.htm

Escaped, now thrown back to reality

I'm back..! ただいま！

A passport scare when sharon san found out that her passport is valid for less than 6 months the day before we were due to set off. Thankz man my tomodachi. Since the booking was under her name, it's not transferrable. so it's either we try our luck, or just forfeit the trip.

So I practically spent the night calling up all my friends to ask if travelling to m'sia strictly needed 6 months' validity. and the answer was obvious. When I was about to give up, I thought of calling zhen coz she's a PR and her family are converted singaporeas citizens. and she said she had a similar experience before and as long as the passport is valid for 3 months, it should be okay. but we have to check with the officers first to be safe. Think it's strictly an exception for singaporeans going m'sia.

we crossed our fingers as we crossed the customs... we made it! They just asked sharon san to renew her passport once she comes back.

So now we know. But I trust that noone is so blur like some people la huh.

Character analysis from the way we responded to the incident.

Me:
I was so looking forward to the holidays and was totally disappointed, disillusioned when I knew I might not be able to make it. I screamed and tried all means and ways to see if I could get around it. My take was to die die also must go to the customs to ask the officer and hear it from the horse's mouth before I am willing to give up.

It was either go for the holidays or I just stay at home and not anywhere at all. I would not take any alternatives.

Sharon:
Upon knowing it might not be possible to make it and after making a few half hearted calls to the agency only to get negative replies, she immediately went online to check if we could book a chalet at sentosa or JB instead and even suggested going Vivo City to shop. ??!!? or go to East Coast to cycle?!! I don't want to go east coast! How can?! They aren't substitutes!

It was either the trip or nothing. for me.

So there she was all relaxed over the phone and joking at how we can spend our day at Vivo City. Life is wonderful and the sun is bright and cheery. She was happy.

While on the other line, I was still disturbed by this huge hiccup which was so unneccessary and rejected all her suggestions. (err..Sometimes, I think I enjoy making myself unhappy and grumpy.)

Though my perseverence was proven right this time and I even boasted to sharon san as to how smart I was, at the back of my mind, I knew how my obstinate, stubborn character and rigidity had ruined my plans countless times and made myself and people around me unhappy.

It's part of me already. I've tried to be more conscious about it but unfortunately, to totally stop myself from doing it is quite impossible.. well, no one is perfect and since I don't expect perfection in others, others must be able to accept my imperfection as well. It's only fair isn't it? ..yes!

Anyways, I was down with sore throat and cold during my trip (as usual) and the long jammed trip home didn't help at all.

I make a bad companion when I'm sick as I tend to get snappish and grouchy. Sorry sharon san. Maybe that was payback for the boohoo you created by not checking your passport diligently. haha.

I want to start anew.. so tired.

During contact time, I was surprised to receive a congratulatory letter to inform me I've been upgraded from contract-untrained to permanent-untrained teacher. I was happy coz I thought I would be enlisted into NIE in January.. and there'll be an increment.. After I read the next line, it stated clearly that my salary would remain the same. nan de!? it was just an "upgrade" of the name of my position. doshite!?! -_- and nope, no NIE for me..yet.

Frankly, I don't know whether it's the class I'm taking or what. I'm getting tired of asking pupils to stop talking and pay attention. I like to teach.. but I can't coz discipline is a huge headache here. So embarrassing as I needed 2 teachers who walked past my classroom to come in and discipline my class.

I really can't be bothered. If you don't want to learn, please get out. I'm here to teach. FYI, the pupils are quite happy when they're made to stand behind the classroom. What's wrong with the education system here? or is it just modern kids who are simply way too hard to tame? or could it be how they are brought up at home or just the basic change in culture of modern society?

I don't wish to bug myself with these inane questions now.. I quickly wish for 2006 to be over. Then, I'll be able to take a brand new class by myself and start afresh.

デフノート

Really liked the guy in white.. "L" desu. He was a genius in the show who keeps himself awake by downing loads of sugar. He would string marshmellows, doughnuts, chocolates, cakes on a skewer and munches on them while he is deep in thought, trying to solve the case. The best part was that his coffee stirer is actually a skewer of sweets and chocolates. eeeks. haha.

BUT! wait. he's supposed to be fat! but he's not! he's scrawny like shit.

I want to be like him! been eating loads of cookies and cream ice cream these few days.. too much. having a terrible throat and cough and I'm sure I've piled on some fats as well. -_-"

I want to be like "L"..!

12月2日倒数计时。。

决定了。。12月2号出发。刚到CTC 订了7天日本之旅。。还蛮兴奋的。我想出国！

http://www.esnips.com/doc/80e27365-085f-438c-911d-2e3eb857b3b4/7DaysCentralJapan.doc

到哪儿都无所谓。。out out of singapore就满足了。

最近真的是口袋大出血。因为太闲了吧，跑去买了一个电脑桌。之前我的电脑都是摆在一个超低的“zen” 系列，被家人遗弃的小桌子。所以用电脑时，我是做在地板上的。不可思议吧。看起来房间很凌乱，才去买个正式的桌子。

心情很糟，很想出国散心，又碰上好友刚巧在换工的transition period，便决定陪我去吉隆坡买东西，吃东西，买东西，吃东西。

最后一样奢侈消费当然是日本之旅啦。$2148。。闭上眼睛，将卡一刷，下个月再来想吧。

一直都想去日本。算是完成我的一个小小心愿唷。我一定要尽兴而归。。一定要。

我就是这样，一旦心情很差，不开心，压力大，我会借助“消费治疗法” 的力量，在精神上找寄托。对我来说还蛮管用的。忙着买东西，买了后想要怎么处理它们，再花点时间欣赏战胜品，时间就没那么难熬了，脑袋也能趁机休息一会儿，没空想一些有的没的。

兴奋过后，现在必须努力存钱了。。好辛苦啊。

我想没什么能比得上友情和亲情。我会好好珍惜的。

晴天快出现吧。。

This Jap weather doll is supposed to bring good weather if we hang it outside our window.

I hope the haze subsides soon.

The week has gone by without me even experiencing it. I wake up everyday and go to school as per normal. Not much recollection of what happened exactly. No bouts of extreme happiness or unhappiness, don't recall feeling extremely excited, angry or irritated. haiz.

My tuition kid asked me if today was 21st, I told him 22nd.. dead sure about it till I saw my computer clock just now 21/10/06

I packed my gym bag, planning to go gym after tuition and as I reached, I peered up into the gym and saw the usually packed treadmills empty. I thought I was in luck! Went to the counter and was told the gym was closed already. I felt stupid asking Why.The auntie looked at me disbelievingly, almost can't be bothered," Today is public holiday..deepavali.."

Decided to drop by the mart to buy some tuna and cheese as I recalled I just bought a loaf of bread this morning. Tuna bread for dinner. As I took out a slice of bread, the bread felt rock hard and even looked abit yellow. I checked the tab and realised the expiry was today. I repeat.. I bought the bread today..and the expiry was today. どして~ I hate stale bread.Can don't find fault in my food not.. eating is like the only thing I really enjoy doing now, then and always.

I haven't felt happy in a while.. I mean genuinely. I can't remember the last time I've had a good laugh. It's not me and I don't like myself behaving this way. irrational dekinai yo natsuri san.

...I'll post another doll!! for myself this time. Hope it works.

Meanwhile, happy deepavali and hari raya. enjoy the hols!

Ceteris paribus.. hoshi tai ne...

Was just sorting out some stuff when I stumbled upon a list in my organiser. A list of things to be done which wasn't. Of course, the list included inane stuff like eating Kenny's, buy eraser (coz I lent an eraser to a pupil and she lost it..dam) and so on..

It was a long list.. like 20 items. They help me to focus on what things I have to complete. A huge flaw was that I do not state exactly by when I should complete each task. Going by gut, intuition, I just knew I'll finish them soon..somehow.

So now as I looked at the list, it dawned on me that it's only true if everything else is ceteris paribus.

(Ceteris paribus is a Latin phrase, literally translated as "with other things [being] the same," and usually rendered in English as "all other things being equal." A prediction, or a statement about causal or logical connections between two states of affairs, is qualified by ceteris paribus in order to acknowledge, and to rule out, the possibility of other factors which could override the relationship between the antecedent and the consequent.)

Yup.. reminds me of my economics essay.

So when things aren't ceteris paribus, when change sets in, what I had wanted to do, activities I've planned for, perfect plans that I've drawn up, where should they go?

Some of which I wished I could place them somewhere, or improvise to make them applicable to current situations.... or..

Nope. It's not possible. Or am I not trying hard enough..

~ am tired already and now dying under piles of survey forms waiting for collation~

For the 1st time..

so not used to spending this day alone. urghz.

thanks to all my tomodachis for your encouragement. I struggled to decide whether I should blog about it actually. I prefer to remain low profile about such stuff.

But I decided that I want to keep a diary of both happy and unhappy events that had taken place in my life.

In case if I suffer from dementia when I'm old, this would be a back-up copy of my memory. cool huh..the wonders of technology.

I thought it would be a perfect way to update you guys also since breaking the news face to face definitely isn't my forte. heh.

Enjoy this day everyone... !

Pieces of me and you

For at least half a year, it had been an indispensable accessory. It's so close to me like part of my skin and now, to instruct me that it's no longer possible for me to wear it is just too painful.

For the past two days, I've not been my usual self. sorry sharon san, that I'm not in the mood to talk to you and I guess my parents were the most affected. It really touched me when my dad came over to me and told me this cheem theory of : To be loved is more blessed than to love someone 被爱是幸福的, in the most fatherly way I've ever seen spoken before. I thought I believed in it but I'm now I'm thinking twice. It was meant to console but results weren't too good as I started crying again. oh..He bought me my favourite durian puffs too. Thanks dad.

My mum, hyper tensed up, was more tensed up than me. She would be awaken everytime I go toilet in the middle of the night. Don't worry mum. I won't commit suicide. I'm stronger than that. Life is precious and I've got the future generation to mould. She taught me that using ice to soothe swollen eyes would not work, instead I should dap my eye lids with a hot towel. It worked. Thanks mum.

I decided not to make them worry anymore and wallowing isn't enjoyable..though sharon san thinks it's a neccessary phase to go through before I gain enlightenment again.

I learnt something about myself. I'm not smart but actually a pretty stupid onna no hito when it comes to handling relationships. I talk alot, but am always at a loss for words when I face my loved ones. I can be very sarcastic and skeptical but I lose all of that when listening to reasons my loved ones give for doing what they did.

I'm judgemental and I always believed in my judgement of people (sharon san can attest to that)...so much so that I'm so blinded by my own faith that I can disregard others' point of view.

I held onto the faith that my love one is what I perceive him to be regardless. So I probe and ask for the reasons why, to make sure that my faith in him still stands.

Garnering the little strength I've left, I go to work. It's not too bad if I can just bury myself in my own little cubicle with only the computer. But my work requires me to interact with little devils. It doesn't help at all, does it.

The only way to coax myself to sleep is to chant repeatedly: It's all for the better. It will be. Even then, I don't get much sleep.

I've been busy and it's good. It takes my mind off things. for a while.

What am I writing?!~ all in drips and draps. urghz.

help..Too much memories and thoughts to pen down each and every one, don't know where to start and reluctant to let it end.

~sharing my suffocation with you~

T_T

~Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars ~

We'll do it all Everything On our own
We don't need Anything Or anyone

If I lay here If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
To show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
To show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes,
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I can't monopolize.

Monopoly is not my cup of tea.

super 邪.

If you're familiar with the game, you will have to pass "Go" to collect $200 after every round, some sort like to top up your finances. but just before "Go", there's a square for "super tax -pay $100" and right after it, there's one that says "Income Tax-Pay $200".

I think we played about 30 rounds and I only managed to collect only $200 from all the rounds! I super stepped on the tax squares like nobody did ever before. 29 rounds I stepped on the tax squares! I couldn't believe my luck! 1st few times i thought maybe i was just unlucky.. when it persisted, I started thinking if there was a fourth person in the room helping me to roll my dice and wanted me to die.

oh. on top of that, i went to jail like 3 times. It was an eventful game for me. Any obstacles you name it, I experienced it. I was perpetually in debt coz i couldnt' pay when I stepped onto zhe's and sharon's houses and even had to mortgaged my bloody worthless Pentonville house to get money to settle my debts. I went to jail so many times that I had to bargain with sharon san to sell me her "Get out of jail free" card so I would not miss a turn. But alas, I had no money to even buy the bloody card from her. Not to mention that the price she quoted was way exorbitant and I'll rather go to jail than to buy it from her.

While serving my term in jail, I wasn't updated with the latest happenings in town and when I was released, I was shocked that most of the houses were bought by my 2 tomodachis and the road to "Go" seemed arduous and never ending as I pay all my way to advance to the next round. As if it wasn't bad enough, I could just predict in the ancient way by counting my fingers that I'll have to pay the tax later on. ..which.. I did. graciously.

The remaining rounds of the game was gloomy and boring as my financial status neared bankruptcy.

My total earnings after the game was $18.. compared to $500 and like $300.

It wasn't fun at all. I don't think I'll play it again.

all about beans..

The Mid-Autumn Festival's here! dunno why, but not much cravings for mooncakes this year. Used to quite enjoy all the dou sha and lotus paste ones... basically i'm quite a red bean person. those breakfast mee jian kuay (red bean pancakes), red bean on beancurd, or just simply red bean lotus seed paste dessert.. oh ya! red bean on green tea ice cream and red bean paste mochi... i can go on and on la. love beans. oh..and i love Mr Bean too!

been having soya bean milk and cheese pancake from Mr Bean.. yummy. almost everyday. got this beanified sense of satisfaction after eating it.

besides beaning, i've been pea-ing as well. in love with this sizzling hot snack by Calbee, Snow Pea Crisps.. taste heavenly coz the peas are baked in the form of the orginal pod it came in..cool huh! and it melts nicely in your mouth. I've just bought a pack, it won't see daylight tomorrow! heh.. go grab one everyone! and no! i don't get any form of royalty promoting this here.

care and share is my motto!

Bad Day

it's been so hazy recently!another forest fire? sorry..me not updated with the news...as usual. heh.

thought i'll have to make use of weekday movie ticket pricing to watch a movie since monday was childrens' day holiday for me. chose "The Night Listener" over "Rob-B-Hood" coz we thought it'll be more cheem and more thought provoking. it was more thought provoking indeed. coz we kept thinking through out the whole movie when it was going to end. robin williams is supposed to be a gay in the show.. not convincing right. eeeeks. anyway, weird show. not as good as i thought. i thought it would be "the 6th sense" type of movie.. and it ended up not in the least horrific. so sad. i want more of "shutter" type of good horror flicks!

anyways, wasn't in a good mood yesterday so you can say that i've spoilt my 1 day of holiday. sighz. all spoilt by me, myself and i. can't believe it. so stupid. think PMS la. coz my auntie came and attended my lesson today also. urghz. lucky. nothing embarrassing happened as i discovered in time. heh. ya. experience matters lor.

got a remedial lesson like...now. ciao.